By Bruce J. Little
I got a worrying message in my inbox the other day. In it, a guy admitted that he had gone to his first invite only group sex party (he called it a “groeps woeps”.) He complained about the fact that there were very few guys that enjoyed “receiving”during sex, so things got a bit much when the guys started playing “spin-the-bottom” with the few guys who enjoy “taking it” that were there. When he asked why some of the other guys didn’t bottom, to make things more equal, they laughed and made it sound as though bottoming was beneath them. One guy said “Bottoms are hoes, I would never!” to which another replied “Two bottoms don’t make a right!”.
It’s silly that so many guys calling themselves Tops can be so rude or judgmental about guys that prefer to bottom. Fam, let’s get real here - a Top needs a Bottom to be a Top.
You can’t be a Top all by yourself, bra!
Making people friend of mine once told eel bad about themselves or judging them creates something dangerous known as 'stigma'. Making guys feel ashamed of being a Bottom is dumb and is going to make them want to go into hiding, and if you are a Top that means you’re going to get a helluva lot less ass, ‘cos all the Bottoms will be avoiding your judgmental ass. Dissing Bottoms will leave you playing by yourself – duh!
Bottoms are dope yo! A good Bottom can give you an amazing ride (pardon the expression), and like anything in life, it’s a skill that can be improved on. Some guys are expert Bottoms and can make you feel things you’ve only ever dreamed of. Imagine missing out on that experience because you spoke trash about Bottoms.
Another thing bottoms are not self cleaning and lubricatining like a Mini Cooper. Bottoms are doing all the prep not just for themself but also for you. So, take good care of the Bottoms out there. Make sure that they feel safe and respected. Look after your Bottom or Versatile lovers. Use a condom, and use plenty of water-based lube. You don’t want your Bottom to be in any pain because a Bottom that is enjoying himself will help you to enjoy yourself even more too.
Bottom-shaming is childish. Bottoms deserve a lot more respect because Bottoming can make you more vulnerable to HIV and other sexually transmitted infections (STIs), especially if no condoms are being used. And, even if the Bottom is on PrEP, he can still get one of the other STIs, so a Bottom has more at risk than you do. R.E.S.P.E.C.T! Try and minimise these risks for the Bottom/s in your life. They are giving you a soft, warm place to enjoy yourself, the least you can do is to make them feel more safe and comfortable.
And, maybe you’ve been a bitch about Bottoms because secretly you’ve been fantasising about being one yourself. You’ll be surprised! Give it a bash, and you might open yourself up to a lifetime of pleasure that you would otherwise be missing out on. We are men who like to have sex with men. We need to not have limited and dangerous views such as being the one being penetrated makes you the “woman”, and that it is “bad”or “embarrassing”to be seen as behaving similarly to a woman. It’s 2017! Woman are powerful and they “run the world”and hello! Haven’t you heard of Power Bottoms? Plently of strong, empowered, intelligent and successful men identify as Bottoms. We would all be lucky to be like them.
I’ve said it before, and I’ll say it again: Bottoms make the world go around.
By Bruce J. Little
Gay guys have been getting their groove on in toilets for ages. In fact, the unofficial homo history books will testify that our gay ancestors also found it convenient. Nowadays, guys are ‘outchea’ following this tradition, but now they’re using technology to organize it first.
New hookup sites in Mzansi, like www.toilet.wen.ru, www.toilet.cf and www.mahalatoilet.mobi have brought getting laid in the loo into the 21st century.
They have chatrooms we can use to connect with other gay and bisexual guys in our area, but before we can jump for our smartphones to arrange a quick ‘summin summin’ there are some risks involved we need to get schooled on first.
These websites or apps can be downloaded onto your phone and have chatrooms for almost everybody. They say they can help you to find places near you where you can do more than just ‘kak’. Toilet.wen.cf says that more than 4000 000 people have downloaded their app. You can connect with other peeps from KZN, Gauteng, Eastern Cape, Western Cape, Limpopo, Mpumalanga, Freestate, North West and Northern Cape in cities, lokshins, rural areas and even Universities and Colleges. You can also chat and in whatever language you prefer when using your smooth pick-up lines.
There are chatrooms for straight people as well as the gay community.
There’s one for guys who want to swap MXIT, BBM or WhatsApp contact details
Guys who just want to have a one-night-stand
Guys who want to meet in a nearby toilet or someplace similar
Guys who want long-term relationships and even chatrooms for guys that are HIV-positive and want to vibe with other guys that are positive
These websites say they promote freedom of speech, so the language can be quite rude because you can say what you want. They also say on their splash page that everyone has a right to privacy so your information is private, and you remain anonymous because people can’t see who posted your message. This is great to keep on the down-low, but the problem is that you never really know who you are talking to.
Isolation and loneliness are hazardous to your health. Studies show that depression caused by feelings of alienation and isolation can be as harmful to your health as obesity, or chugging half a pack of cigarettes a day!
Health4Men is currently running a campaign encouraging men who have sex with men to go and get tested for HIV with a close friend, for support. It’s based on the premise that we are braver when we do things together. But this is not just a great strategy for how to deal with the anxiety you may have about your HIV status; it’s also a good strategy when it comes to your mental health too. Here are a few points to ponder that will help you to reach out and connect with someone if you need to, for your good mental health:
• Everybody hurts some times. Feeling lonely is very common, and almost everyone will experience it from time to time. Things happen in our childhood that makes us feel abandoned for some or other reason, and then, when we get older, something random can trigger a memory of this feeling of abandonment, and so we become overwhelmed with a feeling of isolation or aloneness. It’s important to remember at these times that loneliness is often just a feeling and not a fact. You may feel lonely, but in truth, there are probably many people who would love the opportunity to connect with you, given the opportunity.
• Connecting with other people is the best way to deal with stress, anxiety and depression. The reason that group therapy has such a great success rate is that we all respond much better to treatment or challenges when we feel that we are “all in this together”. Being part of a collective reminds us that we are in fact not alone, which is something that depression and reclusive behaviour can allow us to start to believe is true. Joining a yoga group or a hiking society can make a world of difference to your outlook on life.
• Get over yourself. Obsessing over your life and how you feel about it can actually aggravate feelings of alienation and despair. Try to focus on others for a while and see things from their perspective. You may become inspired by how bravely other people are battling their fears and personal demons. Compassion is a strange thing, when we have compassion for others, it causes others to start treating us in a similar way, and nothing can connect two souls better than cars of compassion running on a two-way street. Kindness is the same. Relationships and marriages that work for many years have been founded on good habits of treating one another with kindness.
By Bruce J. Little
Not sure if it’s me getting older and more set in my ways, or just wishful thinking, but I am finding it so much easier to be single this time around. I know, I know… When someone goes on about how “happy” they are to be single, it’s usually a case of trying to convince others to try and convince yourself. But this time it really isn’t all that bad! In fact, it has its awesome moments. It only took me five minutes back on the “Grind” as a new singleton to see how many people in open relationships there are in Jozi alone. Plench! And I’ve come to realise that relationships and how we define them are rapidly mutating and changing to meet our needs. It’s exciting to think that I can define the boundaries of my next relationship to suit my needs as well as those of my partner. We won’t have to conform to anybody else’s standards. But I’m in no rush for that to happen because my current singular status has its benefits. Don’t get me wrong, I loved being someone’s boyfriend. I loved the nesting and cuddling and Netflix and chilling, but I’m also really enjoying being able to watch whatever I feel like watching now. I have a lot of freedom at the moment and can do whatever I feel like whenever I feel like doing it, and it’s quite rad. Being a considerate person, I find myself regularly considering the person I am in a relationship with. But at present I can be selfish and consider myself. I’m taking it easy and it’s great. I’m taking care of myself, working on improving and building myself up. I’m giving myself TLC and I’ve come to realise that it’s something that I do very well. I’ve always known that I have a lot of love to give, and now I’m enjoying reflecting some of that good stuff back at myself.
There are so many options open to me. I can go on dates, or I can stay at home in my PJs watching series and eating almond butter out of the jar, if that’s what I want to do. Because I like to keep having options, I always ensure that I have condoms and water-based lube somewhere on hand or in my car’s cubbyhole, just in case “summin summin” should come up. I also make sure I replace them regularly and don’t let them expire. I’m not really big on one-night-stands anymore. I can be as frigid as a Friar or represent the “hoe is life” philosophy and embrace “Hoeism” if taken by the spirit at a later stage, and what’s more? I can change these states of mind from day to day as it suits me.
If I eventually do start to lean more towards the “Hoeism” side of the spectrum I could also consider the possibility of going on PrEP. I have choices. I have a lot of power to decide these things for myself and it feels good being able to exercise these choices. No man is an island, but at this stage of my journey I am finding that being just one is a load of fun.
Bruce J. Little is a contributing writer for Anova Health Institute. These are his views, which may or may not reflect those of Anova and its affiliates.
By Bruce J. Little
We sat around the pool chatting and laughing about stuff we’d gotten up to over the weekend. We loved to do this; get together and compare dating war stories, and this always left us both wheezing from too much cackling and not enough breathing. I was still mid the descending voiced sigh that usually ends a long spell of laughter when he said: "I need to tell you something."
The news left me completely stunned with absolutely no idea what to say. This is a guy that I could usually tell anything to, a person that shared my un-PC sense of humour and also loved to play in the realms of the inappropriate. He and I sang Gaga together and flirted outrageously with petrol attendants. But I knew that what he had said was not meant to be funny.
He wasn’t the first person I knew that was HIV-positive, but he was the first person that I knew well, and the last person I thought would ever acquire it. My first lesson, HIV is indiscriminate.
I said so many tactless things, and looking back I admire how well he coped with some of the stupid things I said and asked. Knowing that I can't go back and change how I reacted then, at least, I can now help people to know what they should say if they ever find themselves in the same situation.
My first big mistake: I got all formal and not like myself. Because I felt unsure of what to say, I suddenly started to edit myself and to speak in a way that wasn't authentic. I must’ve sounded like a call centre agent from a complaints hotline. He picked it up immediately. Authenticity is the best first response. "I'm sorry to hear that", wasn't the wrong thing to say so much as it wasn't the kind of thing I would usually say to him. It was the kind of stuff you say to an acquaintance or disgruntled customer. I should have sworn out loud and grabbed and hugged him; that would've been more me. What you say is not as important as the way that you say it.
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