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We put so much effort into finding dick or ass and as soon as you shoot your load, it's all over. Take website profiles, for example. We invest hours into making sure we have the perfect profile, pictures and intriguing blogs. Then after hours, sometimes days of going through tons of stupid inboxes, nudges and confessions you finally get that character you somewhat connect with.

The likelihood is that you will take it to BBM or whatsapp. Now you are on instant chat and that is followed by more talk and perhaps an exchange of a few face and sometimes nude pics. You call the person up just to check if he has a masculine or feminine voice (trust me, that's the only reason for that first call).

Eventually you decide to meet up - more work still follows. Let's just say he decides to come to your place, instantly you are tasked with ensuring that the place looks impressive, Your valuables that are portable are stashed way as you never know who you are meeting. We all have heard the stories that go around when it comes to gays and kleptomania. Now that your stuff is safely locked away the focus turns to you - more work!! For some of us male grooming means a quick visit to that informal barber shop at the corner and clipping your nails but I'm certain that the most of the guys you know take it many notches higher. Dear lawwd, if you are bottom, this also means a visit to the bathroom to douche (if you don't do this, you will read about the Kak you left on his precious dick on Confessions the next time you log on there). Then you hit the shower/bathtub and "dress up".

You call him up only to be told some long story about how he is running late because he had to go get a connecting taxi from Noord or Bree. You wait for what feels like eternity. A few hours later and a couple of beers down, just as you are about to lose hope you get that "PING" signaling that he has arrived. You pick yourself up as you had already lost your mojo and had considered wanking and finishing those Amstel's you had gotten him. Ok he is here, quick check in the mirror and you are on your way to fetch him, either from the security boom or the Sasol filling station down the road or the Randburg taxi rank.

There is your medium rare steak uncomfortably waiting, starring at his blackberry. He only has earphones on but he ain't playing no music. That's just a decoy that allows him to take your call without you spotting him. If he doesn't like what he sees, he can gracefully walk away without you noticing him. Fast forward, you meet and greet. That's awkward number one, the list of awkward moments awaiting you on this date is endless. He is not exactly what you had in mind and sometimes looks the complete opposite of those Adonis pictures he sent you. "But what the heck, he is here, I'm horny so let's just get this over and done with" you say as you convince yourself and hope for the best. At the very least you need a story to tell your friends later so you head back to your place. Awkward moment number 2 is conversation. You do this while trying to get a good look at him but cautiously trying not to stare.

At this point your brain is in overdrive as you are trying to crack him out of his shell with a joke or two. But it's not working, perhaps he's not getting your wit and those subtle sexual innuendos you keep throwing in, or maybe he is bored or he is just not into you. Now self-doubt kicks in; I don't care how hot, confident or sure of yourself you may be, but at this stage, the element of self-doubt will always be present. A few minutes later you are at your door and as you turn that key you say a little prayer "God I hope he is not that Anele dude they always talk about on Hookups and Lord may I come out of this alive, I hope not to go down as another gay bashed with a laptop only to be found dead days later, Amen". You let him in, offer a drink which he bashfully declines as he either asks to go to the bathroom or to go smoke. You show him to the bathroom and as you wait, your mind starts to play those stupid games it does when you are nervous. You quickly compose yourself as the toilet flushes and he comes out hands unwashed. You bite yourself trying so hard not to call him to order.

Awkward silence as he positions himself so far away from you that you start thinking that you stink. Then again you have been perspiring since you met
him. You will sweat for sex!! The more you try to chat him up the shorter his responses get. At this moment you are questioning if that's the person you have been chatting to all the while on BBM and whatsapp. Ever notice how some people are confident, witty and funny online or on social media? That's because it's easier being yourself in front of a QWERTY keypad than it is in front of a total stranger, a stranger with whom you are about to exchange bodily fluids, nogal. Notice how much your brain has worked thus far? Your brain has worked more than it does on a Monday and you still aren't sure if you are getting some.

When he came back from the bathroom he had no other choice but to accept that drink and a few Amstel's later he is starting to open up. His first question is, are you seeing anyone? There you have it, another awkward moment, but wait!! He is dealing with you here, you have answered this question so many times and you have that watertight story that everyone always buys about your boyfriend that moved to another city and so on and so on. He buys it and you ask him the same. He tells you he has a girlfriend and only does guys on the side. Ok, you have just been told you are a side dish but you are smiling, WHY I don't know.

Nonetheless you have your eyes set on one thing and nothing he says will stop you from getting it. You are horny and you can't control it. An hour later, if not more, you can't hold it anymore plus the alcohol is starting to settle into your bloodstream. Now your sexual jokes are getting more graphic and he is playing along. With the toilet trips he has been doing and your trips to the fridge to get beer you have successfully managed to sit at arms length from each other. Your hands are doing the most of the talking and you have "accidentally" touched him a couple of times. Your A game is on and your prey is in clear sight and now you are about to go in for the kill. You slowly get closer, close enough that when he talks, he starts raining on you with his spit. You act as if you don't notice it and at that point he is talking non-stop {he is nervous} and all you want to do is to just shut his lips with yours.

Your eyes are now locked and another Awkward moment awaits, you know that moment when you both can't position your heads for a proper lock in kiss. Then after some teeth bashing you finally have some sort of rhythm. Ok let's give him at least one high note, he kisses passionately and caresses you gently as he touches your face. This is one of those stolen from a movie kissing scene type of kisses. It's intense and genuine, the boy knows how to work his tongue. Your hands are running all over his abdomen as you make your way to his now stiff as mealie comb dick or his bubble butt ass. Then you have done all the ripping of clothes and your lounge is starting to stink thanks to his sneakers. It does happen that hygiene is not up to scratch (Lord help you if you live in a back room ekasi, there is nowhere to run to) To avoid another Awkward you start pulling him to your bedroom.

Now you are both naked on your bed and you start sucking the living daylight out of each other. Fingers ringing to places, tickling and gently massaging. They say woman are better at multitasking? They should see you finding the condoms and lube, while kissing and touching this drop dead gorgeous man, lol remember the beer is talking now, while maintaining a prefect rhythmic tempo. You have your tools ready and the condom wrapper is being ripped by his perfect canines. Boom!!! You are out of Assegai and that container has been sitting there all the while you thought there was something in it. At this point you are now cursing your friend who once had some fun at your place a while back with some random he picked up from Liquid Blue. They must have used it all. Now you look like a slut to this boy, how could you have finished the lube? Another one of those moments again AWKWARD!!!. He looks you in the eye and only now you realize that he has the most beautiful hazel eyes you have ever seen and he says "where do you keep the body lotion?" Phew, that didn't go down as bad as you had expected.

Done, whoever gets lubricated does his stuff and whoever gets the rubber is also ready to go. That last deep breath before penetration is noted and it's in...... (insert picture of that average encounter you had here)..... All done and dusted and you think you are going to rest a bit before you go for round two. To your amazement boy gets off the bed and looks for his Garfield printed silk boxer shorts. A while later you are back at the taxi rank seeing him off and on your way back home you log on to hookups to possibly find another mate and he is also online. I LOL @ you now. You get back to your place and clean up the mess from the beer bottles to your bedroom and you realize that you are still working. So much work mara. You get a message from the dude who was just at your place, we call him that because you already forgot his name or did he even tell you what his name was to start with? The inbox reads "I hope you enjoyed that as much as I did, I love you" {BLANK ANNOYED EMOTICON} just as you are about to throw a Bitch Fit it hits you. Was all that preparation, admin work and trouble you went through worth it?

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