A DISCOVERY OF DESIRE

Written by S.T Bane

Maybe it was the brightness of the supermoon that turned your dark skin blue – my favourite colour. The smirk on your face as you crawled toward me, sardonic like a hyena, but tamer. I recall the shadows scattering, creating a sheet of lace under which my now naked body lay, how or when you undressed me is an enduring puzzle.

That night my full tank of ‘No’s’ emptied, leaving behind a void of desire and moans. Your tongue slithering in the same way we’ve seen snakes seducing the ground; softening it, turning rocks into clay. You made my thighs clay, wet and malleable; I quaked for you. ‘Relax’ you said, ‘It’s only me’. I knew what came next. I heard you speak again ‘let me in, babe’ but I couldn’t, not without thinking of the men that came before you, who hadn’t asked, who had let themselves in, by blunt force. I quaked for them too and so I told myself it was a fair exchange – My body for their love. I was 7 years old. Yet it’s different this time, we were both adults, the same age and I had never spoken a more voluptuous ‘yes’.

Beyonce’s ‘Satellites’ harped around us, a bubble of bliss somewhere in the galaxies we hadn’t yet found let alone named. This is what a first time is meant to be! I look back amazed at how that song echoed what feels today like another parallel universe – another time, where my first time took place decades prior, in my grandmother’s outhouse with a man 30 years my senior. I was a neglected 8 year old chasing the love my father had one day decided to deny the son he’d deemed too gay to love. So can you blame me for falling in love with you; For seeing the entirety of our lives projected on the walls of the sockets of my rolled-back eyes?

You were such a gentleman, subtly wiping the shit that had spilled out when you pulled out suddenly. ‘It’s okay, it’s called gay sex’, you said. The alchemy of turning shame into a beautiful truth. ‘You’re so tight, wow’, the amazement and earnest bewilderment, made me understand what it means to feel desirable. You redefined sex for me, showed me how it could be a good thing, like a gift we give the ones whose beauty we honour.

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