By The Zambian Oracle
Sins of My Ex (There’s Nothing Here Left for You)
Kondwani was very horny, very lonely and trapped in a marriage. His wife was straight up crazy. She watched him with the precision of a sniper. She was two years older than him and deeply insecure. He was a very good-looking guy that many women failed to ignore. He was stylish, smelt fresh all the time, had a dynamite smile and kind. I had been watching him for a while but for some unexplained reason, we both never talked to each other. In fact, we were always in different sections of the gym all the time. If he wanted to use the equipment I was on, he would wait until I left it. I noticed all that. I tried to read him but failed to. In the carpark and which was visible from the gym windows, I noticed the same woman coming to pick him up. And so, when he finally got the guts to speak to me, I grabbed the opportunity like the national lottery. After the exchange of numbers, I knew we would chat a lot on WhatsApp and things would progress from there. He was 35, running his own business while holding down a good job. I liked ambition and drive in a man. We had our first drink together a week later. It was a good one and during which I just went for the meat. I no longer believed in waiting to exhale. If a man came after me, I knew what he wanted and what I needed.
‘So, what’s a very handsome dude doing with me when he can have countless sexy girls?’ I asked him, my eyes holding his surprised gaze. The first round of strong mojitos and two tequila shots had loosened me up.
I looked at him, my eyes settling on his fresh kissable lips. He noticed that. ‘I think you know what I am talking about. I don’t mind. Anytime you want some, let me know. You are a very sexually enticing guy.’
We drove to my place together. He left his car at the mall. We kissed like hungry wolves. Our hands touching places they were supposed to. I got down to my knees and blew him. I was excellent at it. All the guys I had been with had told me. Kondwani came in shudders and moans. It gave me a tremendous sense of power to reduce a man to a moaning little boy.
But Kondwani had no intentions of having a fling with me. He wanted more. A relationship with me. I wanted to laugh.
‘Don’t be naïve man. What relationship are you talking about? You are married and there’s no way you will leave her.’
He shook his head. ‘You are wrong Mwiza. I do want to be with you.’
I stood up from my bed where we had just finished having sex. ‘A relationship is a waste of time.’
He stared at me. ‘Who hurt you before this?’
I didn’t want that subject and I snapped. ‘Ok, can you just leave? I have work to catch up on. And a book to read.’
Kondwani left me with my wounded thoughts and feelings. How dare he try and analyse me! What was wrong with just sex between two consenting adults? I pulled away the sheets and threw them in the washing machine. I poured myself a strong vodka mix and played music. Anything to keep the ghosts of my past at bay. Fantasia’s Lonely Legend boomed from my music system. I remembered my two exes and how the hurt that had come out of those relationships had shredded my heart. There was no chance in hell I was going to put myself through that pain ever again. Married men were a huge risk to what remained of my heart.
Kondwani lingered on. He was a grown man who knew what I wanted. Attention and assurance. He gave me just that. With time, I started shedding off my icy disposition.
Even if I started giving Kondwani a chance, I was still deeply suspicious and insecure and I didn’t want him to know. I cherished my power and losing it with those confessions was unthinkable. We settled into a comfortable arrangement. Without warning, he told me he was considering divorcing his wife. There was no love between them. That confession scared me. Instead of being happy that here was a man willing to leave his wife and be with me, I panicked. I was scared. I didn’t believe he would do that. I imagined a scenario where he would give in to both families’ demands for a reconciliation and then I would be the fool again.
‘I mean it Mwiza. I want her out of my life. I only care for my daughter and you.’
I quickly dived into my work and working out. I didn’t want to discuss our future together. I had a lot to process. I didn’t tell Fred about it because I knew my thoughts didn’t make sense to anyone but me. I had to do this alone.
When he informed me that he had filed for divorce a couple of months later, I was scared. Very scared. I saw a huge responsibility of having this one relationship with a man who was very devoted to me. Was I capable of that? Once upon a time I had believed in love. Not anymore. Heartbreak had ruined me. I wanted his wife to be unreasonable and halt the divorce. I wanted his family to pressure him into rescinding his decision. I wanted him to find fault with me and therefore not divorce her. None of my wishes came true. I watched him go through with the divorce and which surprisingly went very fast. At last he was a free man while I was his unsure and scared boyfriend.
They say you get what you put out. When you send negative energy into the universe, the universe will give you the same. You get what you put out. One evening on my way from work, I passed by the mall to get a few groceries. I saw Limbani. He was alone and still looked like sex on legs. I was caught off guard. He spoke to me as if nothing had happened in the past. He was so confident while I was a nervous wreck. I arrived home with a confused mind and weakened defences. Like the first time we met, he drew me into a WhatsApp chat. Big mistake. He drove over and we had sex. Unbridled hot scorching sex.
‘What’s going on baby?’ Kondwani asked me when we met again. One thing about Kondwani, I couldn’t lie to him. He knew me very well. He had an intuitive mind.
I took a deep breath and without looking at him, I said it all. ‘I have been hurt so much in the past. It’s not your fault. It’s just that there is nothing here left for you to love. They took it all when they left me.’
‘My late boyfriend and my ex who left me for a woman.’
It took Kondwani a few days to discover I had slept with my ex. He was devastated. I was glad. I didn’t want to love. I was not ready.
‘All this after I have divorced my wife! Why Mwiza? I loved you. How could you hurt me like this?’ He said, his voice filled with pain.
‘I didn’t ask you to divorce her. You did it on your own. I was ok with the way we were. We spend time together, have sex and afterwards we both go back to our lives.’
I didn’t know I had pushed him too far with my words. I had ruined his life. He was now a divorced heartbroken lonely guy and I was responsible for his pain. He hit me. I had no regrets for hurting him. Kondwani had come into my life and had moved way too fast and ended up disrupting my balance. I was used to my routine that never demanded my emotions and my heart. It was safer than loving him.
I didn’t press charges against him. I just moved on and healed physically. Inside I was a lot more broken now than before. At this time, I noticed that Fred was starting to drift away. He was now in a relationship and it was flourishing. We still talked but not as before. I wasn’t upset or disappointed with him. I was a realist. People came and went. That was life.