Believe it or not, I crawled back to Limbani. Yeah, I know it sounds insane and stupid but there are people you will meet in life and who will never leave your heart, no matter how hard you try or how many other people you date. Even when I was dating Kondwani, Limbani was hovering around in my heart. I am not a bad person and I try to be good to people. Kondwani was a great guy but I was not ready for love. He had to leave. As for Limbani, we got back together. I was fine with him and I was ok with him being married and having a wife. He was also a dad now. Having a married guy presented me with an easier relationship to manage. A relationship that allowed me to be alone and not be with the guy all the time. Limbani was that. He gave me stability. And if I wanted to cheat, I could and he had no right to question me. I liked that. So unlike Kondwani who was all monogamous. Monogamy is not natural. It is a choice. 

In five years, I had gone from an innocent trusting guy to this mean sexy beast. I had sex appeal power but I didn’t know how to love. I settled into my relationship with Limbani. It was exactly as I had wanted it to. He saw me three times a week either for lunch or sex at home. He rarely slept over to avoid suspicions from his wife. I sometimes saw her in public but she didn’t know me. I got a kick out of watching her going about her business and being totally unaware that her husband and I had regular sex. It was my power over her, as long as she didn’t find out about us. I cannot fault Limbani. He was a good guy and I forgave him for breaking my heart. He had been scared and clueless on what to do about it. I believed him. I needed him. I needed some balance in my life but not with the demands of a full-blown relationship along with intense commitments. It wasn’t right but it was ok. I was fine with my relationship with him. It was not too demanding of me and in fact, it suited my whoring ways. An ugly word, I know but whichever way I looked at it, I couldn’t define my ways any other way. I loved dick and then some. By now I had slept with several guys from the gym. Some were short lived members who were in the city for a just a while. Others were still there and hopeful I would ride them again. Not a chance. Once I decided a guy was going to be a random shag, I kept my promise. I knew who the keepers were and those who were just good for sexual release. It surprised me that all of these guys identified as straight with women in their lives. There were times I would bump into them at the mall with their trusting wives and got amused by their naivety. After a while, I quit sleeping with guys there and moved to a new gym. As for social media, the number of gays there offered a very wide range but most were too young and too eager to please. But inside, I acknowledged my loneliness. I wanted a good guy, grown, ambitious and confident. And he came into my life faster than I had imagined. Limbani was right but he wasn’t ok. I needed more. 

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